


That Time Shorter Got a Dildo Stuck in His Ass

by RottenSeoul



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: AshEiji if you squint a little, Chaotic Good, Crack, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mistakes, No Beta, Non-Explicit, ThisIsn'tCrackIt'sCanon, Why Did I Write This?, all errors are my own, have fun prying this from my cold dead hands, you cannot convince me otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27131725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RottenSeoul/pseuds/RottenSeoul
Summary: Yeah, you know, that time Shorter did that Thing, and Ash had to come save his ass (literally).
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx & Shorter Wong, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 24
Kudos: 94





	That Time Shorter Got a Dildo Stuck in His Ass

* * *

It was somewhere around 2 or 3 a.m. when he got the call.

Ash groaned and rolled over. He had half the mind to just ignore it. He ought to, really, it was too late/early for any of this. The only person who would call him at this hour was Shorter, anyway. 

Ahh, Shorter. What the fuck had he gotten up to now?

While there was a great chance that he was just calling to ask a stupid question or be a dick, Ash had a certain feeling about this. Growling to himself, he rolled over and snatched his phone, answering it just before it stopped ringing.

“What—” he started to snap, but immediately halted as he heard sniffles coming from the other end.

He wasn’t concerned at first, no, just surprised. Then confused. He listened a second more as his friend cried into the phone. Eyebrows furrowed, he quietly called, “Shorter…?”

A big sniff. A deep, shuddering breath. “Ash… I need your help.”

Oh. Shit. “Yeah? What is it?”

“I… I…”

Shorter couldn’t start his sentence, let alone finish it. Ash waited, listening intently, but Shorter only seemed to cry harder as the seconds passed. Right when he was about to start speaking again, Shorter’s voice came back.

“Please… Fuck, man, I really need your help.”

“You’re starting to worry me. Just spit it out. C’mon, I can’t do anything if I don’t know what’s going on, and you being all cryptic is stressing me out.”

“I need you to come here.” He paused and took another breath. “I got a dildo stuck in my ass.”

“I’m hanging up."

“Wait, n—ASH, NO, PLEASE.”

Ash slowly lowered the phone back to his ear.

“Ash, please, I’m desperate. It’s.. it’s stuck… inside… of me. And I can’t get it out. Believe me, man, I tried. You think I want to be having this conversation right now? You can trust me when I say I did _not_ want to have to call you for this.”

“Shorter. Listen to me carefully. I am not fishing up your ass."

He sounded closer to crying again. “I’ve been trying for hours. I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t care how close we are. I really don’t. There’s no way I’m going to hunt for some silicone in your ass. I’m sorry, but you couldn’t pay me enough.”

“I can’t leave it,” Shorter whispered hauntedly.

“How did you even get it stuck inside of you?”

“I was curious, okay?”

“No, how… You know you’re not supposed to stick anything up there without a flared base or some way to pull it out, everyone knows that. How is it stuck? Can’t you just add more lube or something? I don’t know what the problem is, or why you bothered to call me.”

“No. Ash. It’s _lost_.”

“What?”

“It’s gone,” he whispered, “I can’t find it.”

“How big is your fucking asshole?” Ash all but yelled. “It can’t be that far gone. It’s in there somewhere.”

“Ash,” Shorter pleaded hysterically. “Please help me. I’m scared.”

“You better call an ambulance or something. I’m going back to sleep.”

Shorter cried out on the other end. “You can’t!” he begged. “W-what am I going to do? I need your help, Ash; I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t.”

A sigh. The blond, too tired for any of this, threw his covers off and mumbled, “I’ll be there soon.” He hung up and slid out of bed.  
  
  


When he arrived, the door was unlocked. 

He made his way to the door after parking. Black and inconspicuous was the car he had used. He had taken it to get there faster. Didn’t want to keep his best friend waiting. 

All the lights were turned off, Shorter lying on the floor. When he saw Ash enter, he perked up, and, _stupidly,_ sat up. Ash made a shrill noise in the back of his throat as he lunged for him and pushed him back down. He hit him and yelled, “Don’t _sit_ on it, you dumbass.”

Shorter shushed him and swatted at him, cringing. “Shhh, Nadia’s asleep. I absolutely do NOT want her waking for this.”

“I’m going to beat your ass,” Ash whispered threateningly, eyes narrowed.

“Can that wait until after the dildo is out of my ass?”

“I don’t know what you want me to do. I’m still not even sure how you lost it. Did you shove it all the way and not care about the base or what?”

“It… didn’t have one…”

“You’re shitting me. Nah, no way, I don’t think they even make ones like that— _for_ this reason, mind you.”

“I told you I was curious!” Shorter snapped. “I was just… curious. I wanted to know, alright? I wanted to try. I wasn’t thinking about it; I definitely didn’t think I’d end up like this. I may have been a little too eager, sure, but it’s not my fault!”

“Please keep your details to yourself, Shorter. I’d rather not hear about how eager or excited you were, thanks.” He then sighed and ran a hand down his face. “I still don’t know what you want me to do.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know, man, _I don’t know_. A little emotional support would be pretty nice, though.”

Ash’s hand went to his hair to comb his fringe out of his face before dropping back down. “Have you tried everything?”

“ _Everything_.”

“Then we’re going to have to call an ambulance.”

“No. I’m not a bitch.”

“Literally what the fuck does that mean—”

“I’m telling you, I’m not a little bitch. Mama didn’t raise no bitch, Ash Lynx, you know that.”

“I’m going to fucking strangle you,” Ash said, eerily calm, “I’m going to crush your trachea. That’s the only way to deal with this. Then - then! I can finally get some sleep.”

Shorter made a pleading face. “Just- just take me yourself, please?”

“What’s the fucking difference? No, I’m calling an ambulance; they’ll be able to help you.”

“With what money?” Shorter whispered fiercely. “This is America. Besides… maybe I just want my best friend by my side.” At the unimpressed, exasperated look Ash gave him, he hastily added, “It’s scary, okay?! And not to mention, _fucking embarrassing.”_

“Yeah? And whose fault is that?”

“Ash,” Shorter groaned. Tears sprung to his eyes as he whimpered, “Help me.”

“You’re going to have to go to the hospital.”

Ash was almost compelled to help look up his friend’s ass ( _almost_ )—he’s a good pal like that—but on second thought, yeah, uh, no. Absolutely not. Meanwhile, Shorter was about to cry again. The look he was giving as he stared up at Ash was an intense one, filled with fear and indignation. “No fucking way,” he started.

“Shorter. You said it your damn self. You can’t just leave it in there, and that’s the only way we’re getting it out.”

Shorter reached out and grabbed the front of Ash’s shirt, balling it desperately. “Ash… Please, I’m begging you.” Sniffle.

“C’mon, I’ll help you get in the car, and we can go. It won’t take long, the hospital isn’t too far, and I can get there faster. I’m sure they see this all the time—”

“There’s seriously no fucking chance that I’m going anywhere close.”

“Shorter,” Ash groaned, throwing his head back in frustration. He grabbed the hand that was holding his shirt and ripped it from him, throwing it back to Shorter’s side. “We need to. We have to get help as soon as possible before your dumbass makes it worse.”

“It’s too risky,” he hissed. “What if someone sees me? What if someone—someone who _shouldn’t_ —recognizes me?”

“So what do you propose? We go to one a few hours away?” Ash scoffs.

“I-I guess, yeah. That’s really the only thing we can do.”

“Shorter!"

“I’m serious!” whined the boy on the floor. More tears brimmed in his eyes. “We—we gotta, man.”

Ash said nothing more, just grabbed his dildo-wielding friend, and helped him up. He took him to the car, helping him walk the whole way, and made him lie on his stomach in the fully reclined passenger seat. He didn’t lay him in the backseat due to fear of him rolling off at any hard stops—although, Ash had to admit, that did put some pretty entertaining imagery in his head. Once the tearful Shorter was laid out and hugging the headrest (cuddling, really, but that sounds a bit too soft for his current predicament), Ash made his way to the other side and slid into the driver’s seat. He pulled off smoothly and set for their three-hour journey. Shorter cried the whole time.

Once at the hospital, things started to go a bit smoother. Ash didn’t take Shorter to the emergency room, much to his sputtering dismay (“What? It’s not an emergency,” shrugged Ash). He checked his friend in and had him stand. He was very firm in not letting Shorter sit or put any pressure on his lower backside. Shorter whined about having to stand against the wall—hips tilted forward slightly, lifted from the wall, lest Ash yelled at him in front of all the waiting patients—but Ash passively brushed him off while he shifted comfortably in his seat (when did hospital chairs become so comfortable?), saying, “Maybe gravity will be on our side and, y’know, do its thing. Then we’ll be able to leave before getting called back, just like nothing ever happened.”

And _oh_ , how Shorter would love to be able to leave and forget—well, _pretend,_ because there was no _forgetting_ —that this ever happened, but he couldn’t help but think, even if things did go that way - gravity doing “its thing” - it would still be a terrifying, _awkward_ experience. He could imagine it now: the horror of something sheathed so deeply inside of you dislodging itself and coming loose, suddenly slipping out. He found himself wondering, would it be a slow fall? Would it come out gradually or all at once, just shooting straight out like a projectile? Would he have to shimmy to work it all the way down? Either way, he could imagine the stark horror of the patients and staff, himself included, when a phallic object fell out of his pant leg and to the floor. He felt warmth and anxiety creep up his body as he thought out the embarrassing scenario.

He didn’t worry about that too much, though, as he felt the position he was standing in would prevent that. Ash didn’t want anything pushing against him in any way, but Shorter had a feeling that keeping his hips pressed forward this way was… _closing off_ exit, for lack of better words. But he wouldn’t tell Ash that. He didn’t know how else he could stand, and he really didn’t want Ash making him lie on the floor. So he kept quiet and hoped for the best.

Eventually, they were called back into a room to have Shorter’s vitals checked and consultation. They motioned for him to sit, but Ash quickly spoke up. “Uh, he can’t. That’s part of the problem.”

The brunette woman lifted an eyebrow, looking Shorter over. “Alright, come over here, sweetie. What’s the problem?” she asked while getting the equipment on the vital monitor stand ready to take his blood pressure.

Shorter waddled closer, sticking his arm out and adjusting his clothes so the sphygmomanometer cuff could go around his arm. “I… I, uh… Ash, do you want to tell her..?”

“A sex toy. In his ass,” Ash helpfully provided.

Shorter’s face flushed. The woman’s expression, however, remained unchanged.

“110 over 64,” she announced after reading his blood pressure. “Systolic is good, but your diastolic—the bottom number—is a little low. Are you feeling faint, or nervous, maybe?” she asked kindly.

 _Yes_.

“Um, no, I’m feeling fine.”

She continued checking his vitals, then led them to a room in the hallway. Not for overnight stay, just an examination room. Ash sat in one of the chairs beside the bed after they helped Shorter to lie on his stomach. The woman left and said a nurse would be with them shortly. Ash sat with an uninterested, detached air about him. Nothing was said, no words of comfort ( _Thanks, Ash),_ and Shorter mulled over his life decisions.

Before too long, a nurse with strawberry blond hair popped in. She explained that they would need to take x-rays, and politely asked Ash to step out of the room and into the hallway. Shorter began agitatedly cursing him mentally, watching him leave: _He really is like a goddamned cat—no loyalty, no care; the one time I want some love, he leaves—_

His thoughts were cut short as the door was shut and the portable x-ray machine was rolled in, and Shorter was asked questions, such as his date of birth, while everything was set up and adjusted. Once the x-rays were done, Ash was told he could come back in, and the nurse explained while she messed with the machine.

“Don’t worry, this is more common than you’d think,” she started. “It should be easy; we’ll have you out in no time. What we’ll probably do is set up intravenous analgesia and use vacuum extraction for a quicker and simpler process. It’ll be right out, so don’t stress.”

Shorter nodded in understanding, and she left with a pleasant, professional smile. After she was gone, Shorter turned to Ash and said, “No idea what any of that means.”

Ash sighed and rolled his eyes, settling back in his chair. “It’s basically anesthesia, but you’ll be awake. And they're going to shove a vacuum up your rectum and rip the fucking thing out.”

Shorter shot him a petrified look. “The o-object or my anus?” his voice shook.

Ash didn’t reply, just stretched out his legs and put his arms behind his head, closing his eyes.

“A-Ash, I’m serious. R-ri-ripping? What’s ripping? What are they ripping out? Tell me—”

Ash stayed silent, a small smirk forming on his lips.

  
  


When the nurse came back, she told them that everything she had previously said would no longer be the case. “The x-ray shows it being further than we thought,” she explained lightly. “Nothing is wrong,” she quickly remedied, “well, besides the obvious. There’s no perforation or anything like that, nothing serious, it’s just harder to reach, so we’ll need to change plans. You know, the rectum is like a vacuum, it sucks up anything loose you put in there, and since the object is a bit smaller in size, it traveled a little further when it got stuck.” Ash thinks about how Shorter had sat up when he first saw him, and no telling what else he did when he wasn’t there. “Due to the shape, size, and material,” the nurse continued, “we’ll need full relaxation of the sphincter muscle to retrieve it. We’ll put you under general anesthesia and most likely use forceps to remove the object.”

Shorter’s eyes were comically wide. Ash remained unbothered. 

Shorter tried not to panic, but he could feel his anxiety rising every passing second. He appreciated the nurse’s calm demeanor, but it didn’t do much help in regards to calming his rapidly beating heart. She assured him that it wasn’t surgery, just a means to fully relax the muscle. This settled his nerves some, but his pulse continued to race. 

By time they were rolling his trolley bed out, Shorter was openly weeping. Reaching out to Ash, he kept calling him “bro” and begging him not to leave him. Ash rolled his eyes and watched as his friend was taken to the operating room for his anesthesia and dildo removal. 

While Shorter was having all of that done, Ash settled down in the waiting room and started doing some research. He was curious and wanted to see if he could find how often these things really do happen. He would need to delete the questionable searches from his history later, but he didn’t mind too much. In the midst of this, he found himself surprised that no one had suspected them to be together, or had presumed that it was _Ash_ who was responsible for the lodged object. He guessed that he looked too tired, detached, and disinterested to be any part of what had happened. He found himself grateful.

Ash was in the furthest corner, arms crossed, when he was called to the information desk. Shorter was being taken to the PACU to wake up, and the doctor wanted to report his success to Ash, as well as give him some information to relay to Shorter. It took about an hour for Shorter to fully wake up and be ready to be discharged home. Ash was told that apparently when Shorter woke up while Ash was in the waiting room, he had asked the nurse caring for him if his anus was still intact. As much as he fought it, Ash couldn’t help the mirth creeping up his face. 

Once he finally saw his friend, the first thing Ash told him was: “Doc basically says not to shove anything too far up your natural pocket or we'll have to do this again,” causing Shorter to grumble. Ash began telling him about his research and shared his findings—perforated colons; cases of glass and razors being willingly inserted; shoving a 23-inch dildo literally _too far_ to where it was just free-floating inside the man, and doctors had to improvise and create a new tool to remove it; instances where real surgery was required—all of which made Shorter shudder miserably.

When Ash says, “Could’ve been you. Might be next time,” all Shorter can do is yell out and scream, “Ash, shut up! Don’t say that!”

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  
  


Ash finishes telling Eiji this with a laugh. It’s a quiet, peaceful night. They’re lying beside each other, spread-eagled on top of the bed, looking up at the ceiling with laughter and smiles on their faces, accompanied by both amusement and warmth in their hearts. Truthfully, Ash hadn’t wanted to ruin Eiji’s innocence with the thought and image, but he thought it was too good of a story to pass up. 

Eiji turns to look Ash with a big grin and a fond twinkle in his eyes. Ash doesn’t turn to him despite wanting to, he can see him perfectly well in his peripheral, yet he still shoots him a knowing sidelong glance out of the corner of his eye with a lift of his thin, delicately shaped eyebrow. They can’t stop the laughter from bubbling up and spilling out again as they look at each other. Ash faces him completely then, rolling to his side with a wide, beautiful smile. Genuine and breathtaking. It lights his face up in the most angelic way. Eiji’s own smile becomes softer at the sight.

Their giggling does die down eventually—first into snickers, then airy chuckles, light and breathy. Ash has a nostalgic smile as he stares at Eiji in such an adoring way. Eiji’s gentle, warm eyes trace Ash’s features kindly and keenly. 

Eventually, Eiji prompts, “And when was this? How long has Shorter been silicone-free?”

“A few weeks before you came. Like two, maybe three, weeks? Yeah.”

“Oh, really?” Eiji asks, surprised. “I.. never would have guessed,” he chuckles. “I mean, it sounds like something that would be more recent, and if I didn’t know any better, I would think it was. At the same time, I can’t imagine it being so near to when we met, if that makes sense? Hearing it, it sounds like a pretty old story from many years ago, but you would have been very young if that were the case, so it doesn’t make as much sense. I guess I expected it to be when we were living in that nice apartment or something. It’s kind of surreal to think about.” He then lets out the cutest giggle Ash has ever heard.

He stares at him, a little awestruck, before dissolving into a giggle of his own. With a pleased sigh, he rolls over back onto his back. “Shorter would _kill me_ for telling anyone—especially you—, if he could.”

This earns him another snigger from the adorable boy beside him. They both look out the bedroom window into the beautifully darkened sky. Small smiles adorn their faces as they think about their late friend. It wasn’t the time for the blame game, the back and forth of _“I’m the one responsible,”_ or bad memories. It was just a moment for them to enjoy each other’s presence and think back on cherished memories of the ones they lost.

Ash shifts over, snuggling closer, and Eiji rests his head on the blond’s shoulder. Ash’s chin immediately finds place on the top of Eiji’s head, fluffy hair pleasantly tickling his jaw. There’s no telling what time it is now; they’ve been lying like this and talking like this for hours. Together, they watch the midnight clouds roll by, the small upward curves of their lips still remaining.

**Author's Note:**

> Goodnight, Shorter. : )
> 
> Don't know how medically accurate this is, but oh well. Also, yes, I did consider adding a chance encounter with Arthur in the hospital. Just in case you were wondering.
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING !! Fubehydnjwkm  
> Scream at me on [Twitter!](https://twitter.com/Trash_Senpai__)


End file.
